me puse es tan verde

It’s the squid and the whale tonight.  Yeah I go out all of the time.  

Seth asked me to marry him and move to virginia.  I kind of wanted to.  I need to leave.  Well he’s gone now, so maybe I’ll see him in a couple of months, but probably not.  

I passed time at work by constructing a short story, what’s weird is I’m actually writing it.  Woah.  

fuck it, lesbihonest.  

Judge Judy

I hear a honking noise, so I look to my left and it’s the defendant!

I’m being super redundant, but I really want to experience love.  I feel like I get closer and closer with these guys but then I get scared and decide I’m not ready and so we just have sex.  I want something more, something that pushes out of me from the chasm of my being, something I have no control over and am ultimately okay with because it’s something that I’ve needed for a long time.  Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something Something

Soooo, I need to make about $700 in two weeks.  I wish I were taller, then I could just be a prostitute.  I’d do it.  I saw a craigslist ad for a midtown dungeon that’s looking for dominatrixes, and they train.  I really feel like I’m to short though, and I don’t have the voice for it. BRRRRR  Fuck I need money.  How do you sell yourself?  Meaning, how do you advertise that without standing on the corner?  Hang out in hotel lobbies and look all whored up? But classy whored up?  This is hard.  

Just finished Factotum; that was not the book for me to be reading right now.  Sure Chinaski’s shot term and unambitious decisions catch up with him in the end, but I can’t help but focus on all that freedom and weightlessness he had during most of the novel.  I feel we have the same mentality, except I lack the indifference part.  I’m in serious denial, but shitty decisions have a long lasting impression on me.  

I want so badly to leave, and travel the country and work job to job to support myself (all sans the alcoholism, though that’s probably why he didn’t give a shit about anything), and meet the same weird people over and over again in humble bars in little towns.  H;ldf;aSDFHNKL;ASB;DBJSGV  

I’m so privileged I crave hardship. 

I googled “how to take a compliment”

That’s the look I’m trying to go for, but MY HAIR WILL NOT GROW a;rluahsethbsdgSL;sgh;asghahgahsdfgsdfksdghHHHSDFKGSDFGSDGFSDFGSKLDFGHLSDFJHSKDJDGAJGJHGFSDFGSDFGSDGHFGHSFGH

And once again, I’m “weird”.  I don’t understand what it is I do that makes everyone say this.  It doesn’t really bother me though, I’d rather be anything but boring.  What is getting to me is I don’t know when I’m being odd.  It just comes up after I’ve said something, or made a face.  

"Ha ha ha Utzer, you’re so fucking weird"

"You’re like quirky; it’s cute!"

I also hear “animated” a lot, but that’s because I’m insecure about my face when my muscles aren’t all twistyandscrunchyandgergity, so I have a lot of expressions. 

Utzer leaned over the counter as she poured her tea.  Her head nearly knocked into an overhead cabinet when she heard a low buzzing sound, it was so demure it sounded like something she shouldn’t have been hearing.  It was natural to assume her bites from the previous night were from the Spiderman spider, and now she was slowly becoming aware of her new powers.  To test this, she leaned backwards and shifted forwards listening out for the buzzing sound; it was gone.  It had just been the hot water still steaming in the pot.  She sat at her desk and blogged about it.  

YAAAAAY I HAVE 50 WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS TO SPEND AT THE SALVATION ARMY

I have no money

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