me puse es tan verde

the only two things that poke at the bubble of excitement that grows bigger with each day i get closer to GOING TO LONDON are

1) I’m afraid I don’t have enough money (goddamn dollar to pound is shit)

2) I haven’t been following current events for over a month because too many good things have been happening and I’ve been too happy to just sit and read al jazeera and watch sad videos that all present yet another reason why the world is going to shit with each passing day SO I’m very uninformed and didn’t even know bowt egypt until YESTERDAY so now when im in london and some qt asks me where I think turkey is headed i’ll have nothing to shit out but “lol i dunno muh pl8(plate—that was a good one)?” and I’ll get zero penis of the british variety and b sad :(

I don’t want to jinx it, but I am not getting hangovers! so good so good

actually, yesterday was so beautiful that i bought myself a king cone and i NEVER buy ice cream because i usually hate it in most situations.  ive also been listening to a lot of lana recently.  i don’t know whats going on.  im going to london though.  so thats happening.  i just need to be away and alone for a long time and in somewhere different, though im afraid london will be too similar to new york.  i shouldve gone to argentina, or brazil, well no not brazil… absoluteness not.  

i was dying to go to madrid but dem yoots are in riot mode and im so obviously american that ill probably get blowned-ed up.  oorrrr, i could go and meet a spanish rebel named arturo with whom id fall in love and move to madrid to be with but then he’d say “no, mee-kai-e-lah, i doo noth lofe eyu, i lofe a-nothere.” and i will cry “whoo arturo? QUIEN???” and it will proabaly be some whore named sofia.  

I can’t believe I’m going to finish this essay on time.  Finishing nine hours before it’s due is a fucking personal record.

i stayed up until 4 this morning writing an essay that wasn’t due today.  

things are good.  things are really really good.  like really fucking good.  im happy :D

today at my job an italian guy asked if i could take a picture with him.

"at this store we cahn tayke pikchurs with thee models rite?"

"yeah but they’ve all gone home now because we’re closed"

"oh ah so ah can i take ah pikchur wit yoo?"

"oh ahaha no i’m not a model you don’t want a picture with me."

He kept insisting but i said no b/c im pretty sure he would have sold my face to a third rate diaper fetish site where my head would have been shooped onto some something or other.

twas nice for the ole self esteem though.  i was cheesing a little.  

yesterday at work when the degenerate overnighters came in, i was walking and made eye contact with one of them.  later im right next to him and some other guy and the first guy says “yo check out her face” and the other guy seriously maneuvers around me to try and look at me.  i walked away and heard the second guy teasing the first one “see thats why you aint got a girlfriend yo”

i was cheesing.  

oh and the manager im most dtf for has been hitting on me every time i run into him since friday.  

im cheesing yo

I finally have real heat in my room, i’m tired of nick, i’m still waiting on grades, i got a new chi straightener, i’m probably going to be stuck going to this blah new years party with people i hate because i never have exciting prospects, i got my mom a gift she doesn’t like, i got my dad a gift he ended up really liking, i got no gifts that had to be wrapped, im in love with lasering, i havent cleaned my room in two weeks and im really fucking tired of nick.  

I keep making elborate excuses and reasons why I shouldn’t have to do certain things but it takes more effort than if i just did said things in thefirstplaceaarrrrrrrrgggg

I don’t want to see nick anymore. he’s getting boring and he’s getting muscular.  I’m the one who improves guys until they hit their peak and then they charge out into the crowds of bitches who form at their every stomp and wink and I’m left to smoke bud out of my bathroom window with diggy scratching at the door…as if he’s worried.  Diggy always looks worried. He has an anxious face

maybe you did dodge a bullet.  Maybe they all did.  haha nope, nobody dodged anything.  I just take myself out of the equation entirely because my self esteem is so low that i save guys from myself by being a sloot and getting what we both want over with before anything seemingly good for either of us (but mostly me) can hapen.  sober thoughts are so harsh and dry.  i have things to do

I’m starting to feel paranoid again, like I did in high school.  I swear my face is getting fatter, but I weighed in at 102 pounds today.  This girl I was in a play with saw me today and I tried making eye contact with her and I know she saw me I know she fucking saw me and she made no gesture.  The only counter I have to why it’s ridiculous that anyone dislikes me is that nobody thinks anything of me anyway, let alone feelings of disfavor.  That’s a lot of dis’s.  I’m breaking out a little on my chin, hopefully I just need to start drinking water again.  I think this girl thinks I’m creepy and she told her friends and now fuck.  But on the other hand nobody even knows who I am, so all of this is moot. moot.  moot. moot. moot. moot. mooooooooooot.

My mom said she wouldn’t be surprised if someone told her I was a rabid cunt.  The word was actually “mean”, but her face said otherwise. 

I think the worst part about it is that I’m conflicted.  When you’re mom insinuates you’re a cunt, you shouldn’t entertain the idea that it’s a good thing.  

I have no idea how other people see me.  none.

drunk dreams are the greatest because they’re the most convincing.  I was on a train and I swore I was actually on a train.  Some conspiracy stuff happened because I played assassin’s creed a whole ten hours before I even found my bed, but I guess the end of the world was at the forefront of my mind.  I hate waking up drunk though, then I just feel disgusting.

How does it feel to be banned from a party? Fucking weird.  I never get offended.